Let’s face it; dating isn’t the easiest thing in the world- yet we wonder how so many people are able to find love while the rest still struggle with the nightmares of modern dating. It starts out fine, and then there are uncountable numbers of ghosting, gaslighting, and breadcrumbing that you just want to give up on finding love. But if you wish to love, you can't just do nothing and expect it to find you as it does in the movies. That’s not to say you might not randomly run into your soulmate at Target while shopping for groceries, but the chances are pretty low.
I have single friends of all genders, and honestly, everyone struggles at some point in their life. You can try manifesting love, reading books, and even talking to dating coaches. Still, there is one thing that the majority of men and women do differently on their quest for love- I am not trying to make this sexist or gender-biased, but it's something I noticed among my friends who are maneuvering their way in the dating world. It doesn’t mean this is how it is for everyone, but it seems true for most people I know.
One of my happily married girlfriends once told me- “Women settle down when they’ve found the right person, and men settle down when they’re ready.” Before you let that sink in, women also tend to meet someone they like and start imagining a future quite quickly- men, on the other hand, don’t start dreaming of a house with picket fences and 2.5 children after one date.
Let me tell you about one of my guy friends who never quite had difficulty meeting girls. He had it easier than most people I know and he also wasn’t hated by the women when he stopped seeing them. To tell you a little bit about him; he is charming, curious, and honest.
“You can’t put all your eggs in one basket quickly,” he said.
We have heard that so many times, yet many women jump at the opportunity because they have decided that this guy is the one. That laser-focused approach can make other opportunities seem nonexistent.
My friend said, “It takes time to know someone, and yes, in the beginning, when we can be so desperate to find someone, we choose not to see certain that traits might not work out in the long run.” Does that sound familiar?
His dating advice is that when you want to meet someone- “Meet many people. Make everyone feel like they are the only one but be honest that you’re seeing other people. If the girl isn’t okay with it, she will let you know, but being possessive from the beginning isn’t a good sign.”
He added there had been cases when a girl said she was okay with him seeing other people but didn’t act like she was- which can be a problem because beginning a relationship should start with honesty.
The first couple of dates, if you even make it so far, are clouded by rose-colored glasses where important factors like religion, politics, financial habits, or how you want to raise children if that’s what you both want, don’t enter the conversation but can be vital in choosing the partner that works with your life and lifestyle.
He is happily married now, but people are fascinated by his ability to meet and charm people.
“Everyone is special, and you should make them feel that way but don’t lie. Some dates end with just one, while some extend between a couple or few before you’re interested in pursuing more.”
He said one problem he often faced with dating was how some women said they were okay with not being exclusive when that’s what they wanted, and that’s when you need both parties to be honest.
“You can't be mad at the guy who told you from the beginning that he's not interested in being exclusive just as yet. If you agree, that’s cool; you can't blame anyone but yourself. If it's unacceptable, he's probably not the guy you should be investing your energy in,” he added.
He agrees that some guys will tell you what you want to hear, but men are often pretty straightforward. Some guys just want to date and don’t want to settle down for the time being, and it's not your fault that you didn’t change him. When he’s ready, he’ll be ready.
Dating should be fun and not emotionally draining. It’s time for you to figure out what you want in a partner. As my dating guru friend said- “Don’t invest too much too quickly in one person because he could be weighing his options.”
He also said it's important not to compromise with your core values. “If something is important in your life, don’t downplay it, in the beginning, to be liked because it will cause bigger problems in the future,” he said. He said he noticed a lot of women saying politics weren’t as important, but a few dates in, they were a major red flag. Not because they differed in their opinions but because it was made to feel less important in the beginning.
When I asked how he knew he had found the one, he said it was pretty simple. They spent time getting to know each other to see if their values and lifestyles aligned. “I’d be lying if I said looks weren’t a factor, but she doesn’t have to be drop-dead gorgeous because what we find beautiful is totally subjective.”
So, there you have it- if you’re looking for love, make sure he is ready for love and give it time to grow; don’t invest your 100% too quickly because it's possible to have feelings for multiple people at the same time.
He added that society and how we grow up play a significant factor as most women grow up believing that they need to find a partner to feel complete, but guys don’t feel the same pressure, which makes it much easier for them to move on.