That is a million-dollar question.
Think of the amount of time you have spent talking to your friends about finding “the one.” In the western world, I have heard many people talk about ‘the one’ and spend so much time, energy, and money trying to find it because no one wants to ‘settle.’
How do you know if you have met ‘the one? You will never meet the one if you keep looking outside of you. The only “one” you should be aware of is the one you already have in your life: you.
First, you have to acknowledge that you are the only one you need in your life; I’m not saying, ‘learn to love yourself before loving someone else.’ I’m not saying you have to learn to love yourself; you already know how because you love itself. Perhaps I’m saying that you need to be reminded that all the love you need in the world is already inside you.
Instead of focusing so much of your energy outward, focus it inward. Focus it on you.
Love is pure, and love is selfless. Love is doing something because it is essential to the person you love. Love is kind because love sees no gender, love sees no race, love sees no age. Love is inclusive. Love only sees your heart. Your capacity to love grows the more you love. You love because you can, not because of what you can get out of loving someone. Love is a choice, not a transaction. Love only brings happiness to those who choose it.
Once you can find that love and contentment are already within you, it will be easier for you to see what kind of partner you want in your life.
Love can tolerate or share differing passions and pastimes (within reason). Some people say it is important for their partner to have similar hobbies and values, but in reality- that doesn’t matter. It has nothing to do with how similar they are to you. When you love someone, you can share what is important to them. It is not changing who you are but understanding that something is vital to the person important to you.
For example, my partner loves football. I did not grow up watching it or know enough about it, but I watch it often because it is important to him. I watch it because it makes me happy to see him happy. That is all it is.
If I told one of my friends that, they would say he is ‘changing me’ or I am changing myself for him- I am only doing something for someone I care about. It is not necessary to complicate and overanalyze that.
The hypocrisy in relationship advice is that we try to find ways to change our partner ‘for the better,’ but when our partner tries to change us, we often call it ‘control.’
How similar or different you are from your partner is irrelevant. If you can see and love your partner for who they are, it is easy to accept them. I mean, we do want our partner to take us for who we are- so why are we so hypocritical?
We want our partners to accept us just the way we are but try to change things about them.
We choose a partner for many reasons: emotional, physical, spiritual, or financial support. The concept of being with someone is understanding the idea that two hearts and two minds are better than one.
So now that you know your capacity to love does not depend on someone else- we consider the most essential quality that we need to find in a partner.
The most important quality to look for in a partner is that they want to be with you. It’s as simple as that. The only reason you are with someone is that you want to be with them. You might tell others that you are together because your partner is intelligent and kind- but the ultimate truth is that we are only with someone because we want to be with them.
When we acknowledge the truth, it will be easier for us to accept why some of our past relationships did not work out and why we did not want to date someone despite all their exceptional qualities.
It is easy to blame other people and circumstances for the times things did not work out, but the reality is that we know what we want even when we do not admit it.
If someone wants to be with you, they will be with you, and if they do not want to be with you, they will not. To simplify life and be happy, be honest with yourself, and it will be easier for you to be with who you want to be with.
Your capacity to love does not depend on someone else. You can love anyone just because you can love; you are capable of it. If you are distracted by the differences between you and your significant other or by what isn’t going right, whether they are the one, then you will only be miserable. Accept people for who they are and at that moment be happy to love them.
Don’t, however, make that happiness depends on them, and don’t make a choice for anyone other than yourself.